I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
