you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
