Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
