I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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