last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
