Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize