My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
