Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
