i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish my penis had a tongue
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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