My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
