Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We don't watch enough power rangers
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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