Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize