So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
