So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
