come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
