Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
