Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize