I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
