Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
