if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
