I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So drunk its hurt
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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