Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
