oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
