So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
