Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
