we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize