my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
