Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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