and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
