You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
