ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
her vagine was all disorganized.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
