frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
