Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
