dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
