swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize