he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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