the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize