the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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