Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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