Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
