the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
