I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
