The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
