I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
