My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
