he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
