Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I am naked and annoyed.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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