we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
