Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
