I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
