just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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