we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
