Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
