he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
