I think I died a long time ago.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
