I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
