I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
