If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
