splinters make it hard to masturbate
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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