She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
